Even The Rocks Cry Out

Day 8

2010-11-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

Day 8 is almost behind me...day 8. So often we are immobilized by time. It stops us from believing that we can do something that could help us. Often, it is the letting go of something that is of value to us. We think we cannot accomplish a goal if it involves giving up our 'treasure' for a period of time.

Worst case scenario...addictions.

Because really, how do you help an addict? You convince them that their drug of choice is not needed in their life over the next period of time. I know it is much more complicated than that, but knowing that time will pass without the 'drug' is usually more than they are willing to give up.

Food was my drug of choice. I didn't think that I could give up most foods for one whole month, but yet, I just finished Day 8. I can't believe I've been doing this for 8 days! And I've been passing by all the stuff that I would love to put in my mouth.

Day 8 - 8.5 pounds - 12 inches.....gone!

Day 5

2010-11-14T18:23:00.000-08:00

It's working. It's really working!

I am down 8 pounds on day 5 of this whole thing. My body has been aching today, but the bad headache has not come back. And, I think I'm starting to feel a little bit more energy from within.

I've learned to mix the shakes a little differently, so that they don't get too foamy and that has been better, too. I must admit though, that I am learning to appreciate food much more than before.

Yesterday, I bought lots of different vegetables and spent hours washing and cutting them up. Then, I made myself a HUGE stirfry with brown rice. It was wonderful. I'm not sure I liked it more than my luscious sandwich the day before, but I really did enjoy both.

Did I mention the aches? Right now, as I sit and write the backs of my legs are aching - earlier is was my quads. Funny what detoxing does to a body.

I was thinking today about how God answered this prayer about losing weight, and that this probably has more to do with changing something within me than the actual losing weight and getting healthy. I'm hearing this still small voice, that is almost not audible, saying or asking me if food was more important to me than I realized. I know I ate too much, and I know I liked many of the things not good for me, (like Hawkins Cheezies...LOVE those things!) but I also went to food for many reasons.

Boredom
Sadness
Celebration
Easy friendship
Seeking satisfaction
Hurtfulness
Unknown tomorrows
Instant gratification
Prolonged gratification
Stress release
Procrastination
Loneliness

As I list these, I realize how often I would turn to the nurturing goodness of food to fill what was so much more than physical hunger. It was an easy drug, a friendly drug, a satisfying drug...until the symptoms of the addiction began to appear.

Uncomfortable clothes
Self loathing
Anger
Unsatisfaction
Self pity
Irritation
Laziness

And this isn't news to us. We know this about ourselves. We know that we try to replace what we really need with substitutes. Alcohol, drugs, sex, facebook, television, food.

So now is my time to fill these empty places with what is truly needed.

I know this involves God.
I know this involves stopping long enough to hear the voice telling me where to go for filling.
I know this involves listening and hearing.
I know this means following and not leading.

All I can do now is finish Day 5.

Day 3

2010-11-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling good. No headache. I was glad the nasty stuff from the day before was no longer there. Then, I went on the scale to see how I was doing and my weight went down 5 pounds!! That made be happy.

Okay, maybe this is feeling worth it.

Now, back to the yucky drink and the shakes that I'm already tired of. Perhaps I need a better attitude to get through this.

Only 27 days to go.

Oh oh

2010-11-11T17:44:00.000-08:00

It's just day 2 and I have a continual headache and I'm cold and feel yicky.
From everything I read - this is normal. I guess I'm that toxic or that addicted to caffeine and sugar. Oh the joy of withdrawal.

The worst part....I hate the shakes!
28 more days to go!!

On your mark...

2010-11-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

So, the 'miracle' came. It arrived in a very large box. So many different cannisters and liquids and instructions. I wasn't overwhelmed, I was excited and hopeful. I also was continuing to eat what I wanted for one more day, so, no wonder I was excited and hopeful. I was still revelling in instant gratification but the weightloss answer was in my grasp.

The next morning(yesterday)I began the program. There was a shake for breakfast, plus some pills(to increase my metabolism), a shake for lunch(another pill) and then I was able to eat supper. It was a very healthy supper - salmon, brown rice and asparagus. I felt so good about what I was eating. Then, right before bed, I had 1 oz of this drink.....YUCK. Only 1 oz a day - I think I can do it. And then, more pills to help my colon not get bogged down with the toxins. One day down.

As I woke up this morning, I had that same feeling of,"is this my life?". I'm not really sure where that is coming from? Perhaps it could be the whole fact that my eating has been turned to drinking and maybe that norm has been totally upset. I loved waking up to a coffee, sitting in my living room reading and praying and then to a piece of toast. Is my life so upset because I don't have that in my life right now? Was food another god that is too hard to give up? Is this just another stripping away of things in my life?

And, oh yes, the constant headache and lethargic feeling being caused by this cleanse is not endearing to me. When does the burst of energy come?

Well, the honeymoon is definitely over. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't started this. Is this what God had in mind? It must be - He knows the future - so perhaps it just wasn't what I had in mind.

Weird answer

2010-11-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

I have been writing about letting God take complete control of me, in every aspect of my life. I have also said that that means every-single-thing...everything. All the stuff that I had lumped together in my 'just life' pile, I have decided that if God said to trust Him for everything, then I really need to trust Him for every-thing....including weight loss.

So, the past few months I have been getting more and more depressed with trying to lose weight. I increased my exercise - a friend and I go 3x at week. That has felt great, but I haven't lost any weight. Then, I tried tracking food with a food journal to get me on board again with portion control or counting my points(WW). But, that hasn't been going so good.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been praying and crying and whining and basically, giving up any hope of ever losing this weight that my body has put back on. My prayers have been sounding pretty desperate. I have been totally honest with God and have told Him that I don't know what to do next. I had, in fact, given up. I was at my end.

Well, about a week ago my sister in law called and left a message about a new thing her and her family had started. It was a program that helped detoxify your body and give it the natural minerals and nutrition that it needed to function normally rather than be bogged down with everything toxic. In the process of all this, your body dropped weight.

It sounded too good to be true. After hearing her message, I rolled my eyes and said out loud, "Oh brother!" I couldn't believe that she was trying to sell this to me! But even as I said that, there was a voice in my head that said, "You asked for help". I was dumbfounded. I stood there, and as I processed this I said, "Seriously, Lord...this is your answer?" It seemed too wacky to be my weight loss answer from GOD! How many useless pills and drinks and drugs were out there proclaiming to be every one's answer to weight loss? Surely, God would not use something as tacky as 'another wonder formula'.

A few days later I talked to her, and I must admit that I was becoming a believer. It was sounding healthy and logical. It wasn't just another magic potion. There was work involved as far as eating right. I would love to give it a try.

If only it didn't cost so much.

I got off the phone and told my husband that I wouldn't be able to try it - we didn't have the money right now(we are in major debt-reduction) for me to do this. But, I did say that if this truly was God's way of helping me, He would provide. I would trust Him for it, or know that this wasn't for me.

My sister in law called me today.
She said, 'would you like to try it'
I said, 'love to, but I can't afford it'
She said, 'I'll pay for you'
I said, 'NO'
She said, 'YES'
I said, 'you shouldn't have to do that'
She said, 'your brother just said we're doing it'
I said, 'why'
She said, 'we really believe in this for you'
I said, ' '

God had just provided for me. God had just provided for me in a way I would have NEVER thought of.

Maybe this... is His answer.

A new month

2010-11-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am going from being absolutely bored out of my mind last night....to not being able to catch my breath today. I wish I had last night back!

So I started the food tracker this morning - wrote everything down at breakfast....and that's where it stopped. Ugh!! I hate that. But on a happy note, I did my 5 km walk today. It's starting to feel good and I miss it when it isn't there. Did I happen to mention that I went on my own on Friday?? Without my friend?? Quite proud of myself,I must say. That was before I came home and decided I should eat, without tracking it. TOMORROW.

I've been thinking about this whole process. Thinking about what other things in my life are disorganized and sloppy and not streamlined.

Being mostly a creative brain, I don't do well with routine and functionality and consistency. I tend to enjoy the 'tangents' in life. The blurred frenzy of a new idea and a new vision of a project that has great hope and expectancy in the caverns of my brain. It makes me excited and hopeful and full of life. Sometimes it lasts until the project is complete, but mostly it falls victim to my inconsistent work ethic. Basically that means if it isn't fun any longer, it doesn't get done. Persistance is not one of my strong points.

Now, I have to admit that I have had some success in certain areas. I have completed tasks (well, certain tasks for sure if you call cooking for my family most days for the past 18 years consistent)and have felt the pleasure of completion, and I must say the whole 'pleasure of completion' is quite powerful and affirming. There is even a tiny bit of pride that makes me feel a little superior as I complete a task.

But, where was I? Oh right - the whole disorganized thing.

Here's my thought...what if I started to declutter some of the things that need decluttering? My jewellery chest, for example. I could probably get rid of half of the things in there. Every morning when I get ready for work I tell myself that I really need to get clean it out. This conversation has been going on several months.

Would that help me in my pursuit of losing weight?

Yeesh!

2010-10-31T18:22:00.000-07:00

Okay....Halloween candy and chips. Too many consumed. I hope we get many more kids so that there isn't anything left. YIKES

Food tracking begins tomorrow.

Now...where was that candy.....

Suggestions for a plan?

2010-10-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Even though I would much rather sit and ponder my reasons, from long ago, for my disdainful eating habits...I realize I just need to get to it. I can sit and wonder and speculate and discern, but in the end, I need to change my eating habits.
I need to take action.
I need to do something.
I need a plan.

Any suggestions?

Losing weight ponderments

2010-10-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about the things that hang on and won't let go....like weight. Excessive fat is really a symptom of something more. There is an initial reason why we are poisoning ourselves to death, and then we learn fatal habits that control us and keep us from finding freedom to be happy.

Long ago I learned my initial reason. I was lonely as a child and food was my friend. It would fill a place deep inside me that needed attention. Food replaced what I wasn't receiving emotionally. Then, as the years went by, I learned terrible habits and also began eating to alleviate boredom. Now I had 2 emotional voids that food would replace.

As I sit here and write...I feel the melancholy and emptiness of that lonely child. I need to stay here for a little while and delve back into those emotions. Perhaps there's something more...

And we're off!

2010-10-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Snow.
That's what's on the ground this morning and more falling from the sky.

Most first snowfalls I'm excited and love looking out the window at it with a coffee in one hand and a book in the other. It really is quite beautiful.

But not this morning.

What? I have to walk this morning? I quickly text my friend....surely she doesn't want to walk in these weather conditions. It might not be good for our health. Icy walks...oh, it looks like it's melting. Cold temperatures....it's plus 2 degrees celsius.

No answer back. I wait. Maybe she didn't get my text. I send another one.

I decide that I might as well get dressed and check out the storm. Hmm...not really that bad. A hat, a scarf, some mitts.

Still no text back from my friend telling me that she agrees that these weather conditions are dangerous to our health....so I get in my car and drive over to her house. There she is, ready to go.

Her phone was dead.

Doesn't God work in mysterious ways?

We hit the trails and do our hour walk. No, it isn't perfect conditions - a little windy, the trails are icy in sections - but we do it. We do what we said we would do and when it's all over we pat ourselves on the back and say, "Well done, ladies, well done."

Losing weight... again

2010-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have talked about it before...and I am going to talk about it again.
And again.
And again.
I am not ready to give up.

I AM going to fight. I just don't really know how exactly I should fight. I have written other blog posts about letting God lead me through it, and that is still my plan. If God said that He would help us in ALL things....then why not with losing this weight that I loathe and is unhealthy and causes great frustration? Wouldn't there be more glory for God with a plan that includes listening to His voice rather than enlisting with another company that offers me to pay more money to eat less?

It's about accountability...that's what you're saying. (That's what my husband said, too) But why should I go and pay again so that I can be accountable and have someone take my weight and measurenments and be my friend for that minute while I hand over more cash for the deal on processed skinny food ..... why is that better acountability than trusting God to bring others by my side and walk along this path of weightloss?

One story. About 6 weeks ago a friend called me up and said that my face was in her mind when she was praying about needing help to begin to exercise. She asked me...would I be interested in exercising with her? Well, we went out for lunch to talk about it. (I'm not kidding!! And I had fries!)She didn't know that I had been lamenting to God about how horrible I felt and how I couldn't even make myself exercise and God, please help me. I was at the end when it came to exercise. I hate it, didn't want to do it and then feel guilty for not doing it.

He heard my plea. My helpless plea.

And what did He do? He put my face into my friend's mind when she was asking for help with the exact same thing. How amazing is that? Who else is able to network brain to brain?

No one.

There is not one person who can do that. There is no weightloss company filled with smiley faced, well meaning people that can do that.

There is no one like my God.

We decided to begin to exercise...3 times a week. Monday and Friday we walk 5k...and on Wednesday we go to yoga. (a gentle and resorative yoga...we didn't want to get too crazy) The first Monday SUCKED. We both hated it, but we did it. The second Monday...even worse, it was rainy - but we did it. And now we've been 'doing it' for six weeks. I can't believe I've kept up that long - but that's God running the show. Somehow, some way...before you know it, you look back and think - wow, we've been doing this for 6 weeks.

And so now is step 2. An eating plan. I don't know what I'm asking for - I'm just pleading for help. Help with the food I put in my mouth. I can't see the plan right now - I just have to trust.

And why not trust?

Who else cares more for me than God? Who created me and knows exactly what I need to accomplish this? Who knows me better than my creator?

No one.

And with that....I begin...again.

Trust....Jamaica....School...

2010-09-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

How long, O Lord, how long?
How long do I keep trusting when things aren't really going great? How long do I keep trusting when those around me sport benefits to their trust? How long do I keep trusting when even my children are not feeling the benefit of faith in You? How long O Lord, how long?

How can I not start asking questions and feeling that I have missed out on something, when all around I see answers to prayer for everyone else...but not for me or my family? Are we that far gone? Have we wandered that far away that we do not get our hopes fulfilled for even small requests? Have we caused such huge consequence upon ourselves that there is no celebration for us?

I do not know how to trust any longer. I am too tired to trust.

I keep giving it back, surrendering, listening to what You want for me. Is my goodness tarnished by my sins? Have I forsaken You in such a way that You do not want good for me or for my family? Have I pushed too hard in seeking You that I have crossed some line that omits me from blessing. That omits my family from blessing?

Why must this all be so difficult? When does the good come? When do we get to celebrate instead of just holding on and trusting. Trusting. For what? More harm, more disaster, more disappointment. Are we so far outside your will that you do not even look upon us any longer?

Is our trust never to be for good? Have we been too honest and too vulnerable? The happy people are much better at keeping their feelings covered. They know how to be liked and how to talk to have the approval of many others.

Help me, Lord...oh help me.

More thoughts on Psalm 81

2010-08-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

"...open your mouth wide and I will fill it with good thing." (v9)

"But I would feed you with the finest wheat. I would satisfy you with wild honey from the rock." (v16)

God wants to give us the adventure by the sea, not the dirty play in the mud puddle.(thank you Mr. Piper) And I want that, too. I do. But my actions don't always display that.

My actions reveal the true identity of my heart. The true inner me, which is often the 'I control' inner me.

I can't have both. I have to give up one. I have to give up my control or my life.

Jesus told us that we will never find our life until we lose it. And losing my life means letting go. It means giving up my needs - or what I have fabricated to be my needs, what this world has told me are my needs. Even what my church has told me are my needs. Talent. Skill. Money. Vacations. Power. Looking right. Knowing the right people. Control.

God, help me not to follow my own stubborn desires or live according to my own ideas.(Ps 81:12)
Help me to listen to You, oh that I would follow You and walk in Your paths.
(Ps 81:13)
Quickly God, subdue my enemies, Your hands upon my foes.
(Ps 81:14)
God feed me with the finest wheat, satisfy me with wild honey from the rock.
(Ps 81:16)

Bits and Pieces from Psalm 81

2010-08-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

"Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
you cried to me in trouble and I saved you;
I answered out of the thunder cloud and tested
your faith when there was no water at Meribah."

"You must never have a foreign god:
you must not bow down before a false god...
open your mouth wide and I will fill it with good things."

"But no, my people wouldn't listen.
Israel did not want me around.
So I let them follow their own stubborn desires,
live according to their own ideas. . ."

"But I would feed you with the finest wheat,
I would satisfy you with wild honey from the rock."

When I read this now, I wonder why Israel did not listen. Why wouldn't they have completely followed God. Look at what they've missed because of it.

It's easy to say that when we know the end of the story. But...

If there was a day by day journal of someone who was part of this group, it would probably look like our own day to day journeys.

The road would not have been easy. It would have been filled with tough things. Moments that change you, that lead you through experiences that take you to the edge. That leave you suspended in not knowing what exactly will be. The suspension of trust that eliminates control. Control that gives me a sense of stability. A false stability, but a known stability. Known to me. One that feels normal. One that I know how to react to, how to live by.

I know how to live life when I am in control. I know how to act and be when I am in control. When I can predict my future, I have a sense of normality. A sense of calm.

But this is a false calming emotion. This is a 'settling for' instead of a 'living well'. A false satisfaction. A strived for emotion that leaves me yearning for more, that leaves me wondering of what might have been.

If...

If what?

If we would have trusted for the unknown and allowed the God of this universe to grow us and stretch us and build within us a sense of courageous adventure to a life of unknown possibility...instead of settling for the false satisfaction of a controlled life.

If only.

How do you know??

2010-08-18T13:32:00.001-07:00

How do you know when you are supposed to go back to the old way of life?
Or are you ever to go back to that way of life?

Walking through life, going through stuff that changes you...then what happens when everything kind of gets back to normal?

Do I go back to normal? To the old me?
What do I do with this new me?

God, I need your wisdom with September coming. It was so easy to use the summer as a time to not make any decisions...but that is almost over. I don't want the old me. There has been too much pain to go back to who I was.

Help me.

Decision making

2010-08-11T11:44:00.001-07:00

There are decisions I need to make. Ones that shouldn't be hard. But they are. They are causing stress and making me uncomfortable.

I used to be a really good decision maker. People would ask me for my opinions, and usually, I was ready to give an answer. I liked it. I liked that people needed me to help them with what was going on inside.

Then, it stopped.

It stopped after a few blows of life had hit me. It stopped when I no longer knew if I had the answers. It stopped when I had run out of answers.

It was easy to have answers when I didn't have to live through what I was talking about. Easy to give advice and counsel when I didn't have to be the one acting upon that advice. Easy. Very easy. And satisfying.

Now, it feels odd.

Maybe it is odd because I have gone through a hell of my own. I know that it is much less than many in the world have gone through. This isn't massive on a scale of the world and hunger and evil and survival. But this has been a fight for survival on my own scale. I have gone through things that have changed my world and flipped me over, and I haven't landed on my feet. In fact, I think I am still in the process. The falling is complete, as is the hard landing and pain that erupts from flesh hitting the ground, but I am still on the ground looking for help to get up.

Healing. That's what this is. No, actually, much healing has already happened. And, with healing, there comes a point when "I" resume. Resume back to doing that which I do, that which I am good at. Back to a little of the 'old' me that didn't crumble in the crisis. Even back to the good parts of me that did not need to be stripped away. They have just been sitting dormant until the time is right.

And that is my dilemma.

Is this the time when the dormant good things inside of me need to resurface? Do I say 'yes'to leading again? To once again be responsible for things, important things. Like people. I'm shy. I'm worried. I don't want to fail. Maybe, really deep down...I don't want to resurface some of the old me, in case there will just be more hurt to figure out.

So when do I take the chance?
When do I resume the old duties that I once held?
Do I need to act before the feeling of rightness surfaces?
Or is the new me and different me - doing differently than I had in the past?

"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you
and leads you along the paths you should follow." Is 48:17b

I need to hear from you, Lord. Help me hear what you are teaching.

Unexpected

2010-07-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get those times that you have had an incredible moment, it's beautiful...and then when you look back upon it - you realize it was even more than you would have ever imagined.

Let me explain.

Yesterday afternoon I had some flower pots to plant, and so I began doing that. I had the pots, soil, bone meal, water, plants, tiny shovel...all laid out on the grass to begin the planting. I refreshed the soil in the pots(from last year) with bone meal(nice little trick I learned)and began placing the flowers that would go into the different pots. I would arrange, re-arrange, move different plants from pot to pot until I had the perfect plants side by side. It really is quite a creative outlet, I find. I love it.

It was also the perfect day...sunny skies, generous breeze, warm. I remember sitting there thinking that this was just my idea of perfection....playing with dirt, handling colorful plants, using my creativity - it felt peaceful and full and satisfying and rejuvenating. At that moment, as I was basking in the goodness all around me I realized that I was just being. I was taking in the gloriousness of a task that I wanted to complete - but there were no expectations, no deadlines, no opinions. It was just me and the plants.

Or so I thought.

This morning, as I was sitting on my deck, writing and taking in my newly planted containers ;) - I thought back to the peace and joy of the day before of the moments of planting and pondered it, thinking about how good those moments were.

Suddenly I realized something - something so BIG, that all I could do was start weeping and take in another moment.

This is what I wrote in my journal.
"Hey.....God... were you there? It was so beautiful and lovely and good and perfect - where you sitting with me as I planted? Is that why it was so precious? You were, weren't you? You were with me, just enjoying me - and I didn't even know."

It took me a little while to take it in. It was a moment of experiencing truth - not just speaking it, and that, was overwhelming. It was beyond me, it was beyond my experience, it was beyond my control. It was breath-taking and unusual all at the same time. It was out of my norm...but I loved it. I basked in it.

Then, I proceeded to look at where I was planting the day before and tried to imagine where Jesus would have been sitting. On the chair? No, too aloof. On the patio stone? No, too far away. Standing up and watching over me? No.

I'm guessing He was sitting on the grass right beside me, close to me, getting His hands dirty in the dirt and watching me love being happy. Cause, He loves me. He loves me more than I will ever understand. He loves it when I'm happy and fulfilled. He loves everything about me, because He made me and He is my perfect father.

And, that moment was perfect.
Thank you.

Summer 2010

2010-07-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a long road, these past few years. I have been through things I never thought I could have lived through. I have encountered more hurt and pain than in my entire life put together.(maybe because I had so much good - there was more possibility of pain)

As I sit down this first morning of my summer, I am asking God for more healing and more insight into my life so that I, in turn, am able to write this journey to encourage other women to let their lives be broken and lost for Him.

I asked God for a verse for me, for this summer - He gave me more than a verse, He gave me half a chapter - this was it. (Jacob has been changed to Cindy)

"But now, listen to me, Cindy my servant,
Cindy Lynn my chosen one.
The Lord who made you and helps you says:
Do not be afraid,
O Cindy, my servant,
O dear Cindy Lynn, my chosen one.
For I will pour out water to quench your thirst
And to irrigate your parched fields.
And I will pour out my spirit on your descendents,
and my blessings on your children.
They will thrive like watered grass,
like willows on a riverbank.
Some will proudly claim,'I belong to the Lord'
Others will say, 'I am a descendant of Cindy'
Some will write the Lord's name on their hands and will take the name of Cindy as their own."
Isaiah 44: 1-5

The rest of Isaiah 44 talks about how God is God - there is no other. Many idols will try to stand in my way of seeing God for who He is.(nicer house, gigantic summer holidays, backyard swimming pools, lotto, weight control, convertible)

More quotes from Isaiah 44
"I, the Lord, made you, and I will not forget you."

". . . I have paid the price to set you free."

So, this will be my meandering this summer. Delving even more into the area of writing and allowing God to use me to write for him. To consider the next step of writing and allowing Him to quench my thirst and irrigate the parched fields of my life. I am afraid, but I do know there is even more freedom at the end of this journey.

Failure or wisdom?

2010-06-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I did join Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and yes, it did feel like failure. However, perhaps I jumped the gun at condemning myself for something that was more to do with wisdom than failure.

I do that quite often. When I can't accomplish something on my own, I feel like I'm a loser and should feel guilty about not having the willpower or fortitude to complete whatever I have set out for myself. And often, my goals are lofty and I believe that I should be able to do the best out of anyone else who is trying to achieve the same goal.

Is that failure, or is that pride?

I think that part of it is what we have been taught and part of it is who we think we are.

What we've been taught:
"God is a God of excellence therefore everything we do should be of excellence"
Really?? Isn't God a God of love so everything we do should be of LOVE? Yes, I do believe God is excellent and everything He does is excellent and excellence is all about God, but what if the best we can do is not excellence material? Are we judged on how good we are at something, how skilled or talented we are at something...or are we judged on where our heart fits into the whole picture? Was it based more on obedience to God and loving others rather than on how skilled we were?

Who we think we are:
"You are what you eat" or "You are what you do"
Although the first cliche may be true (my favorite high fat deep fried food = spongy tummy), we often also rate each other on the second. Society does it well and us Christians follow right behind. We love to give awards for achievements - highest grades, best actor, fastest swimmer, most proficient piano player, most beautiful - and then we base success on those accolades. And then what happens when we don't reach those lofty goals? We try to be truly happy for our friends that did achieve those, or find ourselves reading supermarket magazines longing for the life of those who did beat the odds and achieve all their dreams.

But yet, inside we know that's not what this life is all about. We pretend to believe that, but our actions show otherwise. And who we are is what we do - not what we say we do.

So, the wisdom? Perhaps we do need each other more than we think. We need friends to encourage us and live life together with. We need to vent our frustrations and be vulnerable and accept encouragement and love each other. God created that and has NEVER told us we need to accomplish things on our own.

Perhaps I did need Weight Watchers to help me along. Maybe that's what God had in mind all along, I just was too arrogant to accept it.

By the way...I lost 7 pounds!

Failure?

2010-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

So I joined Weight Watchers tonight.
Is that giving up on God leading me through this?
I don't know.

Who are we?

2010-05-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

Do you think we ever really figure out who we really are?

Are there people out there, who without a doubt, know who they are and what they were made to do?

Let's say there are. How do they get there? How do they know that what they are doing is exactly what they are suppose to be doing? Does it 'feel' right? Is just feeling right enough?

Oh, question after question. I need answers.

I'm wondering if some of these people who are doing what they feel is their purpose...does it ever change...is there ever a crisis of identity while everything is going strong. Does anyone look at who they are and what they are doing, while it is going well...do they stop and ask if this is their thing? And if they do wonder about it, do they dare ask the question out loud in case it isn't what they should be doing and alas, everything may crumble and fall around them. Then what?

I have a friend whose daughter in law just informed her son that their three year marriage is over. She's done. She needs to figure out who she is and the marriage isn't helping her. Is that wrong? I believe so, but if you were the mother of the bride, even if you believed that to be true, you still would want your daughter to find herself. Not just to go back to a marriage commitment, but for the daughter to heal and find out who she is and gain some purpose to her life.

I do know that purpose comes from God....I know that without a doubt. And I know that there are lots of people around me, who everyday believe that what they are doing is purpose from God. But, how can that be when that purpose doesn't line up with what the Bible says?

When does purpose for self reasons align with purpose with God's reasons. When does our purpose for self-gratification or self-gain ever line up with God? If we're not feeding the poor and taking care of the widows and having personal relationships with people in our life....if what we are doing is not totally dependent on God...if our work is what we thought of and not what God told us, I think we're wrong. If buying new shoes and driving expensive cars and taking trips to our 'other' house is right - then why doesn't it say that in the Bible?

Why was it so difficult for the rich young ruler to turn his back on his money? Why did God only praise the poor?

It is so hard to live in a place that exudes wealth and achievement and skill all around you, when you start changing your mind on all these things.

I just read in 1 John 2:16
"For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world."

One last quote I will leave you with, from Irresistible Revolution
"True generosity is measured not by how much we give away but by how much we have left..."

God help us.

Positive thinking - really?

2010-05-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

We really are a selfish people. So much of what we believe and live for really is for ourselves. Often times we say it's for the 'cause' or it's for the 'big picture', but, more often than not, it's about us. It's about control. It's about us NOT losing our control over many things.

Do you ever have those moments when you are alone with God. Everything makes sense. It really is quite simple and perfect and you can feel God and hear Him and know that love is so prominent and you can almost feel His breath on you.

Then, you leave that place, meet up with others and begin to question anything that you just thought had happened. Everything that was simple and perfect and true...is now very blurry.

You come across people that you used to believe the same as, and they talk and they say the same things that you once thought to be true, but, you can't believe that any more. Going back and saying that you believe that is like turning your back on all the pain and grief that God has taken you through. It's like putting those occasions of a breaking heart into a glass jar and shattering it so that all the hurts and mistrusts and failures and brokeness, don't exist...or at least you no longer can recognize any of it. It's like saying everything that I felt and thought during the tough times didn't matter. Let's put it into this jar and smash it so that no one can see it any longer. Let's hide it, or better yet, destroy it by breaking it even more with good thoughts about being positive and uplifting and likable again.

It just seems that it's all about being positive and forging ahead and moving on and being liked by all so that God can be glorified.

Really?

Is that the God I serve?
If that is who God is - I wouldn't want any of it.
And that's where broken pieces cut through....God never told us to not be who He made us to be. He never said to cover up the hurt with positive thinking. He never said that this life would be easy and never told us to tell other people that.

He very clearly told us that we would have to lose our life before we could find it. And I guess that's where I am - losing my life and waiting, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that my God is more than trustworthy, more that able, more than willing, to be my savior.

He was beaten so that I could be whole. He was whipped so that I could be healed. (Is 53)

He is God and no matter what people all around me say...He is providing the perfect way for me.

Failed again

2010-05-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

Seven days ago I wrote about being a food addict and thinking that I had figured out that I needed to let God lead me in that direction - of giving Him my body as a temple, as a way of glorifying Him through this process of losing weight. I thought that I had unraveled the 'way', the means of getting to my goal - 30 pounds lost.

Well, nothing has changed in 7 days. I still feel fat. I still feel like a loser trying to lose weight unsuccessfully, and I still have not figured it out.

The other thing that hasn't completely changed...I'm still inconsistent at spending time alone with God.

And I think that's the key. I don't know why exactly, but I think that is the key to my not having any change. Not that it is a formula and if you spend x-amount of time with God He will repay with x-amount of blessings. I think that's all a man-made crock.

What I'm thinking is that when I don't spend that time, alone, in the presence of my God, I forget who is in charge and who is the one leading me through life. I miss out on the 'joy' for that day and start to think (subconsciously) that I'm in charge, and so I'm setting the goals for the day and doing it all in my strength, which I know from past experience, is not very strong.

I'm back to habits of eating when I'm happy, eating when I'm sad, eating when I'm frustrated and the biggie...eating when I'm bored. It's all about emotion and has no steadfast grounding in truth.

So, what do I do?

I guess I try again. I take time today to spend with my God. I tell Him all my frustrations and illusions and expectations and disappoinments....and wait.

I don't know what happens after that. But, I'm willing to take the risk and find out since I don't have any other better ideas.

A sedentary and food addiction

2010-05-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have known for some time that I have a food addiction. And I am coming to realize that I also have a sedentary addiction as well. An addiction to shun exercise any way I can. I hate exercise and I don't appreciate the well meaning gurus telling me that I just need to embrace it and positively accept it.

No.

I can't do that. And it isn't even an attitude thing - it's a tried and failed thing. Do you have any idea how many times I have tried to LOVE moving my body and tried getting that HIGH that so many talk about? I realize that it is probably because I have not moved enough and for long enough (even did that for 6 months and it still didn't make me high!), but how long is too long?

So, I have a new plan.

This plan is born out of frustration. Frustration that my clothes are getting tighter, my body is getting older and stiffer, and that if I don't want to be a typical old fat person who has many problems with moving, I need to change my lifestyle.

It's the plan that's different.

God has told us that we can depend on Him for everything. EVERYTHING. So...does that also mean a weightloss plan? Does that mean a spirit that guides us in everything we eat and do not eat and activity we do or do not do? I think it does.

Why would God tell us to depend and throw all our burdens on Him...and tell us that our bodies are temples and that they need to be kept healthy for glorifying God...if He said all that, why not expect Him to do great things through me in the plan of weightloss? Why wouldn't I ask Him to guide me as to what I put in my mouth, or the desire I do not have to go for a walk or run. Why not?

It sounds ludicrous, even as I write this....but it shouldn't. He told us we can do all things through Him. This is something that I need to do through Him and for Him. I think our independent thinking has come into our minds and told us that, "yes, there are so many things we need God's help for, but not losing weight. Don't be ridiculous!" Why have we thought it ridiculous?

Maybe because we have wanted the weight loss and health for our own reasons. For our own glorification, for our own vanity. Not for His.